The Cover Letter I Wish I Could Send

Hey future employer,

How freaking tired of reading cover letters are you? I’m two sentences into writing one and I’m bored! Let’s just Skype over coffee from different Starbucks or maybe invite me over and we can reenact Chopped. You give me four ingredients, I’ll give you four, and the best meal wins. I’ll even give you an advantage and tell you your four ingredients ahead of time: brussels sprouts, black licorice, alligator and quinoa. Good luck.

Don’t feel comfortable inviting a stranger over? That’s cool, I’m really big and don’t have anything worth stealing so I’d love to have you over. We can slack line and tweet really dry jokes that would make Bill Murray giggle. You won’t be disappointed and your glutes will get a great workout from riding the line. Plus, we can join ConnectU and be friends with the Winklevoss Twins!

You know what I think makes companies awesome? Hiring weird people, and boy am I weird. Unique is so overused; I’m weird, ask my mom. Let’s be honest, I’m a football player with a master’s degree who reads more news than my grandpa and loves music from bluegrass to dubstep. That’s weird. If this all makes you giddy to hire me then we should talk — I’d really like to be employed. And who knows, maybe we can sign the contract while skydiving cuz I’ve never been.

Happy Thursday,

Brad Thorson